A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Friday, March 31, 2006

I'm not worried about terrorists anymore

HILLSBOROUGH -- A letter police found in Mohammed Taheri-Azar's bedroom said he wanted to kill Americans but that driving a rented sport utility vehicle through a crowded campus plaza was not his first choice.

With family members sitting behind the 22-year-old, sometimes crying on one another's shoulders, a police investigator read the typed letter during a hearing Friday in Orange County District Court.

"I would instead use a handgun to murder the citizens and residents of Chapel Hill, North Carolina, but the process of receiving a permit for a handgun in this city is highly restricted and out of my reach at present, most likely due to my foreign nationality," university police Investigator Matthew Dodson read. Full story

This guy, this terrorist mastermind that planned his attack months beforehand, couldn't figure out how to buy a handgun. In America. In the south. In Chapel Hill, which is near Durham, Raleigh, Greensboro and many other places that you could quite literally take an afternoon, walk around for a few hours with a bit of cash, and come home with any number of pistols.

His plan was to murder as many people as possible, but a simple gun law stopped him from getting a firearm. A gun law during the Bush administration. I can legally buy assault weapons and Mohammed can't figure out how to get ahold of a saturday night special. Theft wasn't an option? Craigslist? Ebay? Ever been to a gun show? Did you even Google the word gun?

Worst. Terrorist. Ever.

Crazy commercial contest counter-consonance

Everyone should go here and make a commercial for the Chevy Tahoe.

I made one. Two, actually. Forgot to put music in that one. Third one has music. Four and five.

No love for Kanye

The Seahawk - For the biggest hip-hop act in the nation, Kanye West's ticket sales at UNCW sure did not seem to reflect this popularity. The large campout for tickets that many anticipated did not happen, as well as the long lines or sellouts. A month after tickets first went on sale , just over half of the available seats have been sold.

When Dave Chappelle came to UNCW, people camped out for tickets starting at 9pm the night before. Ticket sales opened at 7am and they sold out that afternoon. I was in line for four hours and I still got crap seats.

Yet somehow Kanye can't sell out, even over the course of weeks. What gives UNCW? When I left did I take all the taste in good music with me?

Love America...check. Love Jesus...check. Hate change...check.

Become Republican! Think about it, would you rather have a million mammograms or one kick-ass tomahawk missile?

And, not surprisingly, I agree with Bigfoot on gay marriage.

The enemy of my enemy can still be my enemy

WASHINGTON (AP) -- House conservatives criticized President Bush, accused the Senate of fouling the air, said prisoners rather than illegal farm workers should pick America's crops and denounced the use of Mexican flags by protesters Thursday in a vehement attack on legislation to liberalize U.S. immigration laws. Full story

Holy shit, someone agrees with me (at least on the prisoners idea). Unfortunately it's conservatives, but I'm still opposing Bush. I'll take it.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

FAUX NEWS: Abusive husband acquitted; judge rules wife deserved it

A South Dakota judge ruled Friday that a man accused of beating his pregnant wife is to be acquitted of all charges, even in light of strong evidence of his guilt and written confession. District Court Judge Hawthorne said he based the decision on the new South Dakota law banning all forms of abortion, a law he claimed changes the way South Dakota looks at women.

"The law basically says that if you're pregnant, that womb is government property. You don't have the right to touch it. The defendant provided a strong argument that if the woman is married she shouldn't be government property, she should be her husband's property. I agree, just as long as the woman isn't given any control over her body. That would be ridiculous and immoral. So sayeth the Lord."

Hawthorne added, "When we get the Ten Commandments back up in the courtroom that should scare off any appeals."

Rob Jenkins, the defendant, was arrested for spousal abuse in early March. When police arrived on the scene Jenkins confessed while trying to explain "his side of the story."

"Look man, I told her I would fix the oven after the game. Not before the game, not during the game, after the game. After the game. She just doesn't listen."

Many opponents of this decision say it sets a precedent of accepting domestic violence, while pro-choice and women's rights groups in the state are already holding demonstrations against South Dakota's anti-abortion law.

During an appearance on Fox News South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds defended his decision to sign the law. "If you don't want to have a child then don't have sex. And by 'don't have sex' I mean 'don't get raped.'" Full story

An error with our new layout program labeled this column as "Words and Pictures" in the print edition. Apparently people are thinking this might be real news, or are at least somewhat confused by it, so I will clarify. In South Dakota it is not legal to beat your wife. Yet.

And I stand by my fake reporting.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Wall of Death

If you want to get a vague impression of what standing near the stage at Ozzfest is like, watch this video. It takes a minute to get to the point, but wait for it...wait for it...exactly.

Ozzfest - Raleigh - August 9

Ozzy, System Of A Down, Disturbed, Unearth, Hatebreed, Lacuna Coil, Atreyu, Bleeding Through, Norma Jean and more. I'm going, and yes I admit I've only heard of 4 of those bands.

But if I get sucked into a mosh pit someone is getting stabbed.

Ocean's 13

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Now that George Clooney's an Academy Award winner, he and his crew are returning to their thieving ways.

Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon will star in "Ocean's 13," the third flick in their franchise about a gang of lovable crooks, distributor Warner Bros. announced Monday. (CNN)


"North of the Border"

Excerpt from Sunday's NYT, columnist Paul Krugman talks about honesty in discussing immigration:

In other words, I'm instinctively emotionally pro-immigration. But a review of serious nonpartisan research reveals some uncomfortable facts about the economics of modern immigrations, and immigration from Mexico in particular. If people like me are going to respond effectively to anti-immigrant demagogues, we have to acknowledge those facts.

First, the net benefits to the US economy from immigration, aside from the large gains to the immigrants themselves, are small. realistic estimates suggest that immigration since 1980 has raised the total income of native-born Americans by no more than a fraction of a percent.

Second, while immigration may have raised overall income slightly, many of the worst off native-born Americans are hurt by immigration, especially immigration from Mexico. Because Mexican immigrants have much less education than the average US worker, they increase the supply of less-skilled labor, driving down the wages of the worst paid Americans. The most authoritative recent study of this effect by George Borjas and Lawrence Katz of Harvard estimates that US high school dropouts would earn as much as 8 percent more if it weren't for Mexican immigration.

That's why it's intellectually dishonest to say, as President Bush does, that immigrants do jobs that Americans will not do. The willingness of Americans to do a job depends on how much that job pays, and the reason some jobs pay too little to attract native-born Americans is competition from poorly paid immigrants.

Finally, modern America is a welfare state, even if our modern safety net has more holes in it than it should, and low-skill immigrants threaten to unravel that safety net.

Monday, March 27, 2006

So that explains that

On Joe Killian's blog there's a Google ad banner at the top which usually has ads somewhat relevant to the content of his latest posts, although sometimes comically off. Just now, however, it had a text box with a "Search what ads you would like to see" next to it. Out of random curiosity,I typed in "Newt Gingrich" and it sent me to a list of websites, the first of which was:

"Terrorists Profiled
World's most comprehensive open source database

My thoughts exactly.

In other news, I just spent twelve hours in The Carolinian office. Twelve. In case you forgot, there's only 24 of them in a day.


Saturday, March 25, 2006

Today's disturbing fact from Wikipedia

As of March 3, 2006:

"Bestiality is legal (or, at least, not known to be expressly outlawed) in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Hawaii, Indiana, Kentucky, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey (2006 legislation proposed), New Mexico, Ohio, Texas, Vermont, Washington State (2006 legislation in process), West Virginia, and Wyoming."

I'm sure it's largely due to legislative oversight, but you know there's a couple State Senators in Kentucky that are knocking down the bill. And I hear it gets mighty lonely up in Alaska.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Ohhh...right there Silvio...oohhh

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi enjoys a joke with French President Jacques Chirac at a European Union summit in Brussels. Link (it's number 2)

That's not enjoying a joke. That's European diplomacy. The EU is nothing but a gay orgy with suits.

Why do you think we sent Bolton to the UN? Mustache rides for votes.

DEAD MAN WALKING....well..not anymore...

HUNTSVILLE, Texas (AP) -- A man who beat his girlfriend's 2-year-old daughter to death because she was crying was executed Wednesday night.

"I am sorry that the child had to lose her life, but I should not have to be here," Robert Salazar Jr., said in a final statement.
Full story

Salazar bear beat a two-year-old girl in a way that made the pathologist testify, "I've never shed tears over a victim the way I did over that little girl."

Good riddance.

But then I found the list of pending Texas executions for the next couple months.

March 28 - Raymond Martinez
March 29 - Kevin Kincy

April 25 - Pedro Sosa
April 26 - Marvin Wilson
April 27 - Derrick Frazier

May 4 - Jackie Wilson
May 10 - Angel Resendiz
May 16 - Derrick O'Brien
May 17 - Jermaine Herron
May 17 - Tommy Lynn Sells
May 24 - Jesus Aguilar

June 6 - Timothy Titsworth
June 20 - Lamont Reese

Don't go to Texas. But seriously, two in the same day? One execution every day for three days? I guess they have some sort of executioner's union in Texas.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Goodbye Chef

Last night's Southpark was one of the funniest, second only to the original Scientology episode. It's mostly up on Youtube already, but only in parts. Unfortunately, not all of it is up.

Part one, two, three, four, then there's a gap I can't find, and Chef's final hilarious scene. Pity the funeral isn't up yet.

This killed me

"The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President James Monroe, who became famous by developing the doctrine after which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:

1. Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
2. But we are.
3. Ha-ha-ha."

- Dave Barry


WHEELING, West Virginia (CNN) -- President Bush on Wednesday defended an Afghan who could face the death penalty for converting to Christianity.

Afghan authorities are trying Abdul Rahman, a 41-year-old Christian convert, on charges of rejecting Islam -- a death-penalty offense under Afghanistan's constitution, which is based on Islamic law.
During a speech in West Virginia, Bush said the United States expects Afghan authorities "to honor the universal principle of freedom."

"I'm troubled when I hear -- deeply troubled -- when I hear the fact that a person who has converted away from Islam may be held to account," he said.
Full story

What? I can't hear you, speak up. Religious hypocrisy?

Since 9/11 the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has received over 800 charge filings of discrimination of citizens or are or appear to be Muslism or Middle Eastern. The five commissioners of the EEOC are appointed by the President.

Article 1, Section 4 of the Texas Bill of Rights reads: "No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office, or public trust, in this State; nor shall any one be excluded from holding office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the existence of a Supreme Being." Hasn't Bush been to Texas once or twice?

From Article 6, Section 8 of the North Carolina Constitution: "The following persons shall be disqualified for office:

First, any person who shall deny the being of Almighty God."

Looks like I'm out. Atheists aren't full citizens in North Carolina. I wasn't using my rights anyway. More discrimination pointed out here.

Anyone else wish Bush was at least a little concerned about religious discrimination in this country?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Youtube madness

Here's a video compilation of Jin, the Asian guy who ran Freestyle Friday for something like 6 weeks. I caught the one where the reggae choke artist starts mumbling in a Jamaican accent. Why is it that the only white guy has a freestyle so written that he brought props?

I don't know why it's so hard for Asians to make it in hip hop. Hip hop has a heavy influence on all races/cultures/ethnic groups (pick your favorite phrase) in America, but Asian rappers seem to have the hardest time making it.

This octopus clip makes me never want to go to the beach ever again. But it does remind me that I started liking sushi over spring break. Octopus, mmmmm.

Worst music choice for a fight clip I've ever seen. Watch it for a minute, you'll see what I mean.

The Bible is bullshit.
Alternative medicine is bullshit.
The end of the world is bullshit.
Second hand smoke is quite possibly bullshit.
Organic foods, weight-loss programs and Greenpeace are definitely bullshit.
PETA is completely, without a doubt, inhuman borderline terrorist bullshit.

Youtube is amazing.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

My Dear Nigerian Princess

I finally got contacted by one of those Nigerian royals who needs help getting some money out of the country. Such a famous scam, and it took them years to get to me. What gives? I'm insulted. Now there's fun to be had.

From: Funmilayo Badmos
Reply-To: funmilayo2996_badmus2003@atmail.com
To: funmilayo2996_badmus2003@atmail.com
Date: Mar 15, 2006 11:13 PM
Subject: Please Reply

Please Reply
Dear Ivan,

Good day and Compliments,

I would like to start by letting you know that I have once contacted
some one who promise to assist me but later run started behaving
funny hence I decided to contact you.

[Editing out the boring parts, it's a form email you can find at Snopes]

Well, my father died and left I and my family behind. He was a king, which our town citizens titled him over sixteen years before his death. I was a Princess to him and the first born
child that could take charge of his wealth after his death.

[Blah blah blah]

As a matter of fact,my dad deposited the sum of US $ 7 Million dollars in with D.D.S.C SECURITY EXCHANGE CORPORATION IN EUROUPE. This money was annually paid into my late fathers account before he transfered it to the Security Company from Shell Petroleum
Development Company(SPDC)and> Chevron Oil Company operating in our locality for
the compensation of youth and community development in our jurisdiction.

[Blah blah, they want me to take the money and hold it for them]

Please don't forget that as soon as the transfer is Completed I will Send my Lawyer or Travel down myself for Investment. At this junction I will need this things for easy Communication. Requirement.


Please reply only to my private email adress

Thanks for your understanding and anticipated

Yours Sincerly,

Princess Funmilayo Badmos
[I sent one back to the lovely Princess]

From: Luke McIntyre
To: funmilayo2996_badmus2003@atmail.com
Date: Mar 16, 2006 6:47 AM
Subject: Re: Please Reply

Dear Princess Badmos,

What's up girl? I don't have a bank account right now, I'm using an empty mayonaise jar buried in my backyard. Actually I'm using a lot of them because I can't find any that I've buried.

I could get a bank account I suppose, what sort of account do I need?
[She responds]

From: Funmilayo Badmos
Reply-To: funmilayo2996_badmus2003@atmail.com
To: lukedmcintyre@gmail.com
Date: Mar 19, 2006 12:26 PM
Subject: Thanks & reply

Dear Freind ,

Words can not explain the Joy you just brought to the life of my family, well I want you to know that my family are very please to see your response, may the good lord continue to bless you. I would be sending to you a copy of my picture or precisely a one containing my entire family. But for know I will want to know if you can accommodate me when I visit your country because immediately after the fund is transferred safely to you as the next of kin I will be traveling down to invest my part in a lucrative business in your country, hence I want to know the kind of business you think I can invest on and if you are married can you accommodate me.

[Yak, yak. Her uncles are evil, she's not trying to scam me.]

Please reply and the good lord will see you through all your endeavors in life; thanks once more may the good lord continue to guard and protect you. Don’t forget to send to me your phone number for easy communication.

Yours Sincerely,
Princess Funmilayo Badmos
From: Luke McIntyre
To: funmilayo2996_badmus2003@atmail.com
Date: Mar 21, 2006 7:49 PM
Subject: Re: Thanks & reply

Dear Princess Badmos,

At first I must admit that I was suspicious of you contacting me, but after you referenced your faith in Jesus Christ I know you must be trustworthy. Of course I'm assuming when you say God that you mean the Christian God, not some tree god or something like that.

When you come to America you can stay at my place. I hope you don't mind sleeping on a fold-out sofa. I suppose it's not exactly worthy of a princess, but my bedroom is where the magic happens, and I'm guessing you don't want none of that.

Right now I'm having phone problems, so you'll probably only be able to email me for a while. I used to have a cordless phone, but I left it outside somewhere when I was looking for one of them mayonnaise jars. I think the dog got ahold of it. Sometimes I think he's tries to order Chinese food so he can eat a cat or something. I haven't been able to phone the pharmacy to update my prescription either.

I completely understand what you mean by not trusting your family with money. Last week I lent my brother five bucks to go buy some hamburgers and I haven't seen the son of a bitch since.

So what do I need to do to help you out? What's the first step? I look forward to helping out you and your family. It's almost like missionary work, only I don't have to leave the couch.

Yours in Christ,


I can't wait for her response. Should I give them a phone number to call? I want to see how far they'll take this, and phone numbers are pretty public information anyway.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Failure to Communicate: 5 questions non-Muslims would like answered

Recently on the campus of UNC-Chapel Hill a UNC alumni and Iran native mowed down nine students with an SUV he rented for that specific purpose. Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar declared during his arraignment that it was his intention to kill, and that he was disappointed more people weren't around at the time. Media and police withheld the label "terrorist," at least until Taheri-azar began saying the attack was to "avenge the deaths of Muslims worldwide."

This act of terrorism hits a little too close to home to go unaddressed. The current controversy at UNC shows that there are issues on this and similar topics just bubbling under the surface. A conversation needs to be had, questions need to be answered, and things need to be cleared up.

In November of 2005 the LA Times ran a column entitled "Five questions non-Muslims would like answered," after the massive youth riots in France and bombings in Jordan. It asked things like, "Why is only one of the 47 Muslim-majority countries a free country?" and "Why do countries governed by religious Muslims persecute other religions?" Important questions no doubt, but given the events of recent months, and the UNC attack, there are more pressing issues to students at UNCG.

I want to invite anyone in the Muslim community (from UNCG or otherwise), or simply anyone with answers, to respond to a few questions. I feel these are questions that both Muslims and non-Muslims need answered, for everyone's sake.

(1) Why do Muslims oppose freedom of speech?

I don't need to list what happened when a Danish paper ran cartoons depicting Muhammad. What I and many others found most disturbing about those Muslims opposing the cartoons is that they weren't upset that some of the cartoons portrayed Muhammad as a terrorist, just that the cartoons existed.

Recently when the Daily Tar Heel (UNC's student paper) ran an editorial cartoon depicting Muhammad in a manner similar to those of the Danish paper controversy, the UNC Muslim Student Association responded with a letter to the editor saying:

"Muslims believe illustrating [the Prophet Muhammad] degrades the divine essence of Islam and any personified depictions of the Prophet are strongly prohibited. The argument is not about the fundamental right to freedom of speech. Had the same message been relayed in a text editorial, the Muslim Students Association would have respected the DTH's right to publish it."

The UNC MSA opposed the DTH's cartoon not because it was offensive, but because they say the DTH doesn't have the right to show it. They called the cartoon "hate speech" not for its message, just for existing. This opposes the very essence of free speech. Doesn't freedom of speech protect offensive material as well? Isn't everything offensive to someone?

Full column


NC State Technician - Four students added a dash of color to campus by reddening their cheeks on an invigorating run this past St. Patrick's Day.

Wearing only thong underwear and a smile, the quad raised the ire and eyebrows of numerous passers-by as they sought to proclaim their school spirit.

"We've been doing this run for two years now," Mark Irwin, a sophomore in material science engineering, said. "A group of us got the idea while living on the second floor of Becton Hall."

UNCG doesn't have any traditions like this. We have no football team and therefore no school spirit. You'd think we'd at least have a few nuts. All we've got is political wackos.

Just as well, some poor sap at The Technician had to follow those assholes around to report the story.

Fake female journalists other than Ann Coulter #2

Now I can get to the actual point of the previous entry. Namely, superheroes have a jones for some female journalists.

Starting with the most obvious example, there's Lois Lane who I don't need to explain. There's Tana Moon, Superboy's girlfriend (don't ask me which Superboy, I haven't the foggiest). Chloe Sullivan, young Superman's girlfriend from Smallville. Yeah, yeah, TV doesn't count. The point still stands that these are all reporters. Superman had a fetish.

He's not the only one:

Batman hooked up with reporter Vicki Vale in the comics, and she starred in the original Batman movie. Keaton has good taste.

Spiderman had a fling with Betty Brant, Daily Bugle reporter. She ended up marrying another reporter.

The Flash was the only guy to make his booty call an honest woman, marrying television reporter Linda Park.

What is it with superheroes and the journalist girlfriends? Are comic writers that unimaginative? Have these superheroes been around so long that they've banged a woman of every profession? I'm going with the last one.


Up until about five minutes ago I was not aware that there were three different guys taking the identity of the Flash. Sort of a stupid plot when you look at it.

Jay Garrick fell asleep in a lab and inhaled some chemicals, giving him super-speed.

Then there's Barry Allen, who was exposed to a mixture of chemicals when lightning struck a lab shelf. He then modeled his costume after his childhood comicbook hero, Jay Garrick.

Barry Allen's nephew, Wally West, went into his uncle's lab one day (because I know if I was the Flash, I'd keep my day job). The same freak accident happens, and now Wally is the Kid Flash. Creative.

The only thing that saves me from thinking it's a stupid idea altogether is that Barry Allen, the most powerful Flash, can separate his molecules and float through solid matter. It's a trick Superman was doing since the Flash was a scratch in his dad's pants, but it's still cool. That and he can run faster than time and turn himself into pure speed energy.

Luke's Short News

IRVING, Texas - Terrell Owens has gone from stomping on the Dallas Cowboys' star logo to wearing it on his helmet. Yeehaw!

Good. I think T.O. will finally cool off on the Cowboy roster. They're in no way known for hotheads and showboats.

As long as he leaves my Eagles alone I couldn't care less. Go mess with Texas you loudmouth brat.

NEW YORK - "South Park" has declared war on Scientology. ..."So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!" the "South Park" creators said in a statement Friday in Daily Variety. "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies... You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail!" All hail R. Hon Lubbard

Tom Cruise doesn't want the South Park guys to make fun of him and his science fict...religion. New reoccuring feature, Tom Cruise is a douchebag. Well, new to this blog anyway.

SAN ANGELO, Texas -- Tom Green County commissioners gave extra preparation time Saturday to a group proposing a faith-based prison in San Angelo. Praise Lon H. Rubbard!

I actually agree with this
completely. We should put religious extremists in faith-based prisons. They can even run the prison. Just stay away from the children.

Classic example of missionary thinking.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Isaac Hayes is an ignorant douchebag

NEW YORK - Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.

Hayes, who has played the ladies' man/school cook in the animated Comedy Central satire since 1997, said in a statement Monday that he feels a line has been crossed. "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology...
He has no problem -— and he's cashed plenty of checks - with our show making fun of Christians."


Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology.
He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin." Praise Jesus

Classic religious mindset. Blasphemy is great, and profiting from blasphemy is great, just not my god. All the more laughable when your god is L. Ron Hubbard.

The argument against Hayes' stupidity is obvious here, but it reminds me of people who oppose profanity. Those vile, vile individuals.

I loathe people people who are afraid of "bad words." They're ignorant children who attempt to force their infantile worldview on everyone else. I'm reminded of them because their hypocritical nonsense mirrors Hayes' self-serving rhetoric. People who say, "don't say damn, say darn. Don't say shit, say crap."

It's nonsense. "Oh my gosh" is blasphemy the same as "Oh my god." Saying "heck" is the same thing as saying "hell." Use the baby-talk all you want, you know what you're saying. You just sound like a child while doing it.

One of the greatest comedians of all time, George Carlin, loves words and devotes much of his act to the oddities of the English language. A poster of his, "2,443 Filthy Words and Phrases," is up on my wall. But Carlin literally changed the course of American free speech when he wrote a bit called "Seven words you can't say on television."

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. I like those words. I like most all words. I'm not afraid of the sounds that our mouths can make, I'm not offended by their meaning, and I'm not going to use a synonym because someone wants to babble like a child their entire life.

Shit. Piss. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits. Don't like them? Don't say them. Don't want to hear them? Turn the channel. Act like an adult or shut the fuck up and sit your goddamn dumbass down. Jesus fucking christ.

Are you offended? Here are some other words I like to say: I'm proud to be an American.

Obviously not a ninja

The Fark.com summary of this news article killed me - "Ways not to get a job at the CIA: tell the guard that God sent you, and then assume a fighting stance when he says go away"

WASHINGTON - A West Virginia man allegedly attacked a guard on the grounds of the CIA, sources tell WTOP. The bizarre incident happened March 10 when the man, identified as Jeffrey Anderson, went to Langley and told a guard, "God told him to apply for a job."

The guard reportedly told Anderson that's not how people get hired and ordered him to leave. Anderson began to walk away but then dropped his jacket and assumed a fighting position, sources say. HIYAH!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

5+2=7x2=14+(5x2)= 24 hours a day Spartan TV

As of 2 am this morning, Spartan TV is on the air. If anyone feels the need to scream "Whoopee!" I won't think any less of you.

Soon we're going to be on air 24 hours a day. Right now Gate City Live is on. Channel 52. Check it.

EDIT: By the way, you can only watch it on campus.

Fake female journalists other than Ann Coulter #1

I'm writing a short script which has a female reporter as the main character. My first idea for a name, August Alley, wasn't clever enough for my liking (April O'Neil + Lois Lane) so I went in search of a better word play. Instead I found an odd stereotype.

For some reason, women in comic books have been cast as reporters more than any other profession. Is it for ease of story-telling? A reporter is directly affected by the actions of a superhero and logically should be involved with the story to some degree.

Is it because of the sexual tension between a male superhero and the sexy journalist who is always just so close to revealing his identity (identity = genitals)?

Is it because the adventurous life of a reporter is glamorous and interesting? I hope so for my own sake. But to find out for sure I'd have to ask Brenda Star. She is a comic reporter (known for romantic trysts and adventures) created by actual female Dale Messick in 1940. Messick did the comic herself for 40 years before retiring. Brenda Star has since then been through several artists, all women.

But if we're going back in time we should go to the original crime-fighting female journalist, Jane Arden (seen at left).

Arden set the standard for the female journalist who goes the extra mile. Created in 1927, Arden is the cheeky grandmother to characters like Lois Lane and April O'Neil.

She went beyond just reporting crime, making moves to actually stop criminals. Pulitzer Prize winner Mary McGory said that Arden interested her in journalism. I guess Nixon was right to fear the feminists.

These two presented odd characterizations of women for the time; strong, smart, independent individuals who feared no man. Powerful images, no pun intended.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

FAUX NEWS: Spanish professor refuses to speak English

A UNCG Spanish professor was ejected from a local Mexican restaurant Friday when he refused to speak English to the wait staff. Bill Rodgers, a Greensboro native, is in his fourth year teaching Spanish at UNCG. Rodgers was thrown out of "El Cerro Grande," Spanish for "The Mexican Restaurant," after he repeatedly tried to order in Spanish.

"He came in and just started going off in Spanish," said Travis Smith, the waiter who served Rodgers. "The only Spanish I know is on the menu. Honestly, I don't even know what 'chalupa' really means."

Rodgers initially refused to leave, prompting restaurant staff to contact the police. Upon their arrival, officers from the Greensboro Police Department also instructed Rodgers to exit the restaurant. The GPD teaches officers simple Spanish phrases such as "I am a police officer" and "Tilt your head back to stop the bleeding."

Give me more

This went to press Sunday night and was distributed today. Monday afternoon my Spanish 102 professor banned us from speaking any English in class. El coincidence.

Obviously there's a difference between speaking Spanish halfway through Spanish 102 and speaking it on the first day of 101.

Monday, March 13, 2006

The real American past-time

"We're never satisfied when it comes to food. 'You know what would be good on this hamburger? A ham sandwich! And instead of a bun we use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast! Look out McGriddle, here comes the donut hamhamburger!'

You guys laugh, but you know there's someone at Dunkin' Donuts going, 'That's not a bad idea.'" -- Jim Gaffigan, comedian

NBC - The minor-league team Gateway Grizzlies of the Frontier League will begin selling a concessions item that is not for the calorie-conscious, ESPN reported.

"Baseball's Best Burger," as the Grizzlies call it, will consist of a hamburger topped with cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon -- all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed donut.

The burger is not for the faint of heart -- literally -- and will contain roughly 1,000 calories and 45 grams of fat.
The full meal

I will never doubt Jim Gaffigan again. Personally, I wait can't to sink my teeth into a meat-juice soaked donut. Don't forget the side of cheese fries.

Doctors say one of the major causes of American obesity (being fat) is drinking too much soda. Maybe they're overlooking the fact that people are using soda to wash down their 1,000 calorie donut hamburgers.

It doesn't even look good in the picture. Yeesh.

Three words that didn't change anything

The Anderson Cooper 360 Blog has an entry about IEDs at 3:29 PM, Mar. 13.

Improvised explosive device.

It's probably safe to venture that just a few years ago most Americans had never heard those three little words used together in one phrase.

More than any other topic I've seen, discussing IEDs separates those who know at least something about military history from those who are only pretending to. No statement about the current situation in Iraq can reveal your idiocy faster than "We've never gone up against anything like IEDs before."

The media has never called them IEDs before, but as long as there have been explosives IEDs have been part of combat.

In WWII Belarusian rebels used coordinated IED attack to derail Nazi trains, later called the Belarusian 'Rail War.'

Fans of Saving Private Ryan remember the "sticky bombs" Captain Miller ordered his men to make (fill a sock with explosive, insert fuse, cover sock in grease, light fuse, stick to a tank's tracks). While the "sticky bombs" would most likely work in real life, there's no evidence that they were actually used or that they are referenced in any field manual of the time.

However, the British did have a Sticky bomb, the No 74 ST Grenade, which was just powerful a hand grenade with adhesive on its shell. The obvious problem with this is that the grenade often stuck to the thrower's hand of clothes, making for one instantly unpopular soldier.

The Viet Cong were extremely thrifty enemies in regards to traps. Everything from the cartridge trap to the mud ball mine were commonly done with our own weapons. The cartridge trap is where a rifle round is buried pointing up, with the tip slightly out of the ground. The primer is set on a nail or sharp object so the round goes off when someone steps on it.

The mud ball mine is similar to a James Bond move from Tomorrow Never Dies. Pull the pin on a grenade and, carefully, cake it with mud. The mud hardens so that when someone steps on it the dirt cracks open, releasing the grenade lever. Boom.

My favorite is the grenade in a can. Place a hand grenade inside of a tin can, tie the grenade to a trip wire, pull the pin and walk away. Stepping on the trip wire will pull the grenade out. It's particularly effective because the first person in a formation trips the bomb, and then a few seconds pass before the grenade goes off. More enemies go bang. This was used by both US and Viet Cong forces.

This angers the Flying Spaghetti Monster

NYT - Providing the strongest evidence yet that humans are still evolving, researchers have detected some 700 regions of the human genome where genes appear to have been reshaped by natural selection, a principal force of evolution, within the last 5,000 to 15,000 years.

The genes that show this evolutionary change include some responsible for the senses of taste and smell, digestion, bone structure, skin color and brain function. Full story and Bugmenot.com

A very interesting, in-depth (long) piece on new evolutionary findings. This will further confuse my friend Amanda, an Anthropology student at UNC, who I've spoken with a few times over whether race is genetic.

Her professors say it isn't, but both she and I don't see how it could not be. As long as she's confused by it as well, I feel a bit less dumb.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Third time's the charm

I've been blogging since I was 15, and it's still odd to change to a new blog. At least I don't have to say "my livejournal" anymore.

Here we are with the typical grayish on black, for the same reason that Maddox explained:

I've chosen a black background for most of my text because it's easier on the eyes than staring at a white screen. Think about it: your monitor is not a piece of paper, no matter how hard you try to make it one. Staring at a white background while you read is like staring at a light bulb (don't believe me? Try turning off the lights next time you use a word processor).

I use Microsoft Word all the time, often in the dark, and it pisses me off. Try to change the colors in that program and you can't see menus. I should look into a new word processor next.

On AIM I used to use black text on yellow background because it is the easiest to see (think road signs). Eventually the complaints about my "bumble bee" font became more annoying than picking a different color.

Here's a fun bit of trivia. The Blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize "blog," "blogging," "blogger," or "spellcheck" as words. Pardon?

It starts.

I thought I should dedicate my first post to a few quotes that I've aquired over the years. These are just excerpts from an unreasonably long list. Take it away boys.

People who are threatened by jokes are the same people who tend to refer to actors on soap operas by their characters' names. Listen, there's the Real World, and then there's the Joke World, ok? The Joke World can get tough. Wear a cup.
- Dennis Miller

"I meant," said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes living worth while?"
Death thought about it. "Cats," he said eventually, "Cats are nice."
- Terry Pratchett, "Sourcery"

You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
- Marcus Cole (Babylon 5)

I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad.
- Lyndon B. Johnson, about a speech by Richard M. Nixon

Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly.
- Theodore Roosevelt

"The time has come", the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing wax—
Of cabbages—and Kings—
And why the Sea is boiling hot—
And whether pigs have wings."
- Lewis Carrol ("The Walrus and the Carpenter," Through the Looking-Glass)

You go. We go.
- Lt. Steven McCaffrey (played by Kurt Russel, Backdraft)

Look at him... That's my brother god damnit.
- Lt. Steven McCaffrey (played by Kurt Russel, Backdraft)

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
- Abraham Lincoln (First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861 [referenced in American History X])

Shady stay creative baby hold your head up don't you let up
One bit on these motherfuckin suckers you're a soldier get up
Stand up for what you believe in as long as you breathin
They jealous of you man that's the only reason they beefin'
- Eminem (Words are Weapons)

If I ever gave a fuck, I'd shave my nuts
tuck my dick inbetween my legs and cluck
You motherfuckin chickens ain't brave enough
to say the stuff I say, so this tape is shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up
To make you mad so kiss my white naked ass
And if it's not a rapper that I make it as
I'ma be a fuckin rapist in a Jason mask
- Eminem (Criminal, Marshal Mathers LP)

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
- Bobby Knight

If we wait too long we risk learning that life is not a game lost nor won...but simply, most often, it is a game that is not played.
- William Forrester (played by Sean Connery, Finding Forrester)

- William Forrester (played by Sean Connery, Finding Forrester)