A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Newsflash: Bush is/has an asshole

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Vice President Dick Cheney will serve as acting president briefly Saturday while President Bush is anesthetized for a routine colonoscopy, White House spokesman Tony Snow said Friday.

President Bush will transfer power to Vice President Dick Cheney for a few hours Saturday, a spokesman says.

Bush is scheduled to have the medical procedure, expected to take about 2 1/2 hours, at the presidential retreat at Camp David, Maryland, Snow said.

You see, in order for the doctor to fit a tube up there, Bush is required to pull his head out of his own ass. It's technically illegal for him to do so as a professional politician, so he's assigning Cheney to fill in during the procedure. Cheney is so deep up his own ass that he's coming back out again, so I think America will be okay. The "okay" we've become used to anyway.

But really, say it out loud. "President Dick Cheney." Doesn't it just give you chills? And night terrors?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Feed me Seymour

Washington, D.C. - An Iowa farm boy today will receive the Congressional Gold Medal in honor of his lifetime work saving millions of people around the world from starvation.

Norman Borlaug, a pioneer of the "Green Revolution" who was born on a Cresco farm in 1914, will become one of only five people in history to receive the Congressional Gold Medal, Nobel Peace Prize and Presidential Medal of Freedom.

A small prize for the greatest man to live. Ever. Better than Jesus, Gandhi, Mother Theresa and even Bob Hope. Way better than Carson Daly.

Saturday, July 14, 2007


I searched for "Zen" on YouTube and I found this.

I Googled the phrase "meaning of life". It took me to a Wikipedia page where the phrase "citation needed" appears 168 times.

Under related articles in that Wiki I found "Meaning of Death", which taught me about "Informational Theoretical Death." It's a term stolen from computer science that means some event -- an injury, a disease, anything -- has destroyed someone's mind to a point in which they can no longer function as the same person they were before that event.

"Using this outlook on death, it is possible that a person who is suffering amnesia is, in essence, dead."

Our memories change, we change, and the person you used to be dies. How do you hold a funeral for a personality?

I forget what it is I was originally looking for, which is slightly less annoying than not being able to tell whether or not you found it.

Monday, July 09, 2007

What I've been up to this summer

I found a YouTube video of the Greensboro band Farewell, Epitaph's most recent addition to their stable of artists, playing in Syracuse, New York.

I interviewed the band for Go Triad right before they started this tour. It was odd for me, being one of my first assignments for Go Triad -- aside from my Cheap Eats column I've been doing for a while -- and I'd already started listening to Farewell a couple years prior when my then-girlfriend was friends with someone who was dating blah blah blah. My favorite moment of this summer happened during that interview:

Me - "What's the most "rock star" thing to happen to you guys since you got signed?"

Big bass player whose name escapes me right now - "This."

So if you're like most of my friends and have only seen me sporadically throughout the summer, that's why.