A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Greatest. Pickup. Ever.

The Ford 2008 Super Duty Pickup has been recalled because when they were making it they forgot to attach the part that stops the truck from shooting fire out of its tailpipe. No, really, click the video.

Although, one would think this would be a standard option on something that's just two steps from a monster truck as it is.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


GO TRIAD -- The top of your frosty glass bottle of Coca-Cola just pops off with a twist of the wrist. A warm spring breeze blows, and long skirts flap as the girls run off to class at N.C. State Normal and Industrial College. It's almost a century ago, and you're eating a hot dog outside the newly opened Yum Yum Better Ice Cream shop.

Then, your cell phone goes off, bringing you back the present. It's 2007, and N.C. State Normal and Industrial College is now UNCG and co-ed. Still, not much has changed at Yum Yum. That same hot dog shop that's been around for a century is still there, open for business.

Full column

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Reuben Revisited

GO TRIAD -- It wasn't long ago that I wrote a column about the Reuben sandwich at Jay's Deli in Greensboro. I was less than pleased and announced that I had just about given up on finding a decent Reuben in Greensboro.

The e-mail floodgates opened, as they do when you write a negative review, and enough of you suggested places I didn't know of or hadn't thought to try. So, I decided to give the column a second look.

Full column

Why do atheists care about religion?

Techno music and poor production value aside, I agree with every word of this video. North Carolina does indeed say in its constitution that no atheist can hold office. I'm glad I quit before making Eagle Scout. I hate blue laws. I hate that people think this is a Christian nation. I hate that a lot of people are ignorant to think it was founded on Christianity. Grrrr.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Blogging the conference Day #2

We went to Howell's, which is a bookstore that literally covers an entire city block and stands 5 stories tall. I'm genuinely surprised I got out of there with only buying 12 books (though 10 of them were a collection of the complete James Joyce in a very snazzy green case).

The other two were my favorite childhood book that I've been looking for for years, pictured above, and a pop-up book by my favorite living poet.

EDIT: Powell's, not Howell's.

The bike rack outside Howell's was decorated with metallic literary references. I enjoyed them.

Finally, my record collection is complete.

I spoke too soon.

Portland has unlabeled metal sculptures scattered randomly around the city. My first thought was corporate art, since they have that generic look about them and are very large for no real reason, but they tend to appear outside parking garages and other buildings that probably wouldn't pay for art, much less clean the bathrooms.

I've seen these on phones all over the city. They go on to explain in tiny type that the Patriot Act allows public phones to be tapped and blah blah blah. Hopefully it's some sort of civil disobedience, because informing the terrorists of the tapped phone seems like the opposite of what we should be doing. In fact, I don't think any signifigant part of the War on Terrorism should involve stickers at all.

The McDonald's here had a bacon cheeseburger. Bacon on a McDonald's burger, Chet and I had never seen such a thing. We are from the South and easy to amuse.

The McDonald's also had a little lounge you could sit in and watch CNN. The fast food here is just operating on an entirely new level.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Blogging the conference Day #1

6:40 AM, Raleigh-Durham International.

Calm as Hindu cows.

But with a view like that who wouldn't be.

Weird twisting cloud formation. Possibly a devastating tornado somewhere in Kentucky.

Chicago was covered in snow. We all regretted not having time to go outside and play.

Gray and freezing on the ground, but a mile above Chicago it's nothing but billowing heaven.

Riding public transportation.

That's right, public transportation. Contrary to what you might have heard in North Carolina, it actually does exist. In Portland at least.

The symbol for the Oregon lottery is literally a hand crossing its fingers.

Portland got some big ol' buildins.

The world's first high-tension power line was strung up between Portland and Millamette Falls on June 3, 1889. The historical marker for this was placed on a large rock, for some reason.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Looking back in 20 years this probably won't be funny anymore

My friend Liz just made me a group on Facebook: The Buy Luke a Drink Fund. It came up in conversation with her that I'd have a lot more money if I stopped buying booze, to which I replied "Yes, but then how would I get booze?"

The group's slogan says to buy me drinks "because Luke is never euphoric unless mildly intoxicated and he's always in need of a good drink." The latter is certainly true, unless you saw me last night. If you did then, well, yeah. Whatever.

Point is, join this group and buy me drinks. Invite your friends, either to the group or to the pub so they can buy me drinks. I'm not responsible enough to manage my money AND buy my own liquor. It's just not working out.

P.S. - I'm not an alcoholic. I feel like I should just throw that one out there. I just have a penchant for the sauce, that's all. It'd be out of order at this point anyway. First you become a successful writer/artist/whatever, then you become an alcoholic. Not before.

Blogging the conference

Tuesday - It's 9:30 the night before my flight and "Indonesian airliner bursts into flames on landing" is the headline on CNN right now. Awesome.

I'm assuming they have the Internet in Portland, so I'm going to attempt updates every so often. I've got that part figured out. Things like where my raincoat is, what I can legally bring on a plane, and how we're getting around Portland once we arrive, those things haven't even begun to cross my mind.

It's not too late for a road trip

From: Greensboro, NC
To: Portland, OR
Drive: 2,792 mi (about 1 day 18 hours)

I've only flown once in my life. My family flew to and from Atlanta on a trip to Six Flags. The ride there was bumpy like the rollercoaster rides I was happy to be anticipating. The ride back was bumpy like the inevitable scene in every hijack movie where something goes wrong with the plane and the passengers are now horrified by two ways of being killed. For me, instead of gun-toting lunatics strolling the aisles I was tortured by my heart and stomach. Every bump or turn the plane made was a knot in my gut and a pounding in my chest. There was nothing different about the plane ride, it just wasn't fun anymore.

Tomorrow a few of us from The Carolinian are headed to the west coast for a journalism conference. Our plane goes airborne at 6:40 AM. I still think we should have rented a van and made a road trip of it. With one positive and one negative experience it's impossible to say if the two flights carrying us to Portland and the three bringing us back will be good or bad, but I plan on dealing with them the same way I deal with most things: drinking too much and scribbling furiously in a moleskin notebook. The results of which, along with pictures, will be posted here in a week.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

What Atomic Engineering really teaches at State

THIS is what happens when you try to show off in Raleigh. Or, when you're just hanging around my asshole friends. And you didn't think an Atomic Wedgie was possible. Tsk tsk.

Most balla shit ever.