A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Free market madness

Upstate Gas Station Sues Competitor Over Low Prices
GREENVILLE, S.C. -- An Upstate gas station has sued, saying that a competitor's lower per gallon prices at the pump have caused them to lose profits.

Pantry Inc. owns a gas station in Gaffney. It sued in Cherokee County, alleging that Petro Express had kept prices at two of its Gaffney stations below cost.

Pantry's suit said its competitor violated South Carolina's Unfair Trade Practices Act. Under the law, motor fuel companies cannot sell below cost with intent or effect of impairing competition.

Pantry said it has lost $165,000 and is seeking three times the amount it lost.

So the law is there to prevent a company from taking losses in order to drive another company out of business. Then, assumably, once the competitor goes under the prices go up and that business makes a fortune overcharging customers.

Except then another business comes along and undercuts that business. Customers go where the gas is cheap. Another example of government interfering in a free market, and making an oil company rich in the process. Surprise!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Words and Pictures: A million fanboys crying

It seems to be the condescending right of every literate moviegoer to declare "the book was much better than the movie." Movies adapted from literary sources are almost painfully common today, but they're certainly nothing new. The Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay predates the award for Best Original Screenplay by 12 years. But with this pattern of adaptations comes the misconception that the film version of a literary work is nothing more than a book put to celluloid.

These claims and complaints are heard the loudest with movies based on comic books. In a sub-culture obsessed with consistency in story lines and memorizing the minutiae of every character, the authenticity of a movie adaptation is the most important selling point to comic book fans. If the original creator of a comic approves of the movie, that seals the deal.

This was shown recently with controversy related to the movie V for Vendetta. Alan Moore, co-creator and writer of the comic the movie is based on, signed off the movie rights but said he wanted nothing to do with it. A producer for the movie claimed at a press conference that Moore supported the movie, which made Moore more than a little angry. To save you the long story, Alan Moore will now no longer work with DC Comics, and that's kind of a big deal.

And one could say that Moore is justified in his dislike of Hollywood. Constantine and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, to name a just couple of his comics that have been adapted to movies, left a lot to be desired. One could also say that Moore doesn't have a leg to stand on after saying about movie adaptations, "As long as I could distance myself by not seeing them, enough to keep them separate, take the option money, I could be assured no one would confuse the two."

Some of Moore's complaints have to be thrown out offhand as the result of giving an eccentric writer a microphone. When Moore, who is British, complains that his graphic novel, which he wrote to be "uniquely British," was turned into a film that is too American, one has to wonder what he expected from American screenwriters, an American film company, and a heavily America dominated news-world. The rest

I'll be expanding on "V for Vendetta" as a movie and graphic novel in a very nerdy blogpost soon.

Faux News: Phantom student searches for long lost parking spot

Yesterday during Chancellor Sullivan's weekly campus address, given in a booming voice from the roof of the EUC, she confirmed rumors of a ghost haunting UNCG parking lots in search of a parking spot. Windows around campus shook with the news of the spectral student.

Asked one freshman, "Does she always have to scream like that, or is that just the sound of sheer authority?"

The Chancellor's confirmation comes after weeks of reported sightings of the ghost, who has been identified as former UNCG student Martha Harrison. Harrison was killed in 1963 after a freak accident with a parking meter.

"Police reports from the time indicate that Harrison was attempting to load change into a parking meter when the meter exploded," explained Campus Police Officer Paul Bruno. "Further investigation revealed that the meter was overfilled with change. When Harrison loaded a quarter into the meter it exploded, sending coin shrapnel out fifty yards in every direction. Harrison had so many quarters pumped into her that she could have paid off her tuition, had the coins not killed her."

Now Harrison's ghost roams UNCG's campus eternally in search of a parking spot, said Bruno.

"You can tell when she's near you because of the jingling change noise. It's nothing to be worried about, she's harmless," said Bruno. "But, she's not to be confused with the local serial killer that's been beating people to death with bags of change. If you hear him, run for your life.'

Officer Bruno added that Harrison's ghost should not be mistaken as the homeless man often seen on Tate Street dressed as a ghost and asking for change.

"He's not a ghost, he's just crazy. Stay away from him."

The rest


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tom Cruise is a douchebag

The Sun - TOM Cruise has claimed he will eat the PLACENTA after fiancée Katie Holmes has their baby.

The actor, 43 — who wants her to give birth in silence according to his Scientology cult rules — said: “I’m gonna eat the placenta, too.

“I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”

But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied: “OK, maybe I won’t.”

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Congratulations to Mrs. Bru--no, wait... wtf?

Hey, congratulations Ben's mom. Now that Mrs. Dennis isn't there, I'd say Mrs. Brulet was definitely the best teacher at NWP. She put up with the 8th grade me, which is impressive in itself. I would have kicked my ass.

In other news, my middle school has a website now. What? The teachers have their own pages, homework listings included. More than half of my college professors refuse to use Blackboard, much less maintain their own webpage, and middle school teachers are doing it.

I actually had a history professor tell me that "the jury is still out" on PowerPoint presentations. That is, the jury has been out since PowerPoint came out in 1987. Microsoft Windows only came out in 1985, how many of you jury members are staring at it right now? At what point in getting your Masters degree do they teach you that computers aren't evil?

Friday, April 14, 2006

I play Duke basketball

J.J. Redick, college basketball star and academic, offered a few words on the Duke lacrosse incident.

"I’m actually close with some of the guys on the team, a few of the seniors. They are all great guys, and whether it happened or not it’s just unfortunate that this incident has become such a big deal," he said. "But it should be a big deal if it did happen. It’s just unfortunate that there was not certain guys at that party who have been singled out."

Let's break that down:

"They are all great guys, and whether it happened or not it’s just unfortunate that this incident has become such a big deal." They are great guys, and whether or not they gangraped a women it's unfortunate that they've caught so much bad press over it.

"But it should be a big deal if it did happen." Whoops! I didn't mean what I just said. That's why I said it.

"It’s just unfortunate that there was not certain guys at that party who have been singled out." J.J. Redick doesn't even know what that means.

I'll assume all of that roughly translates to "The Duke jocks are sticking together because we're better than everyone. Much, much better."

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Last night's episode of South Park, the second of a two-part series, was supposed to show a depiction of the Muslim prophet Muhammed. It was pretty hyped up, even though Comedy Central's commericials promoting the cartoon left out any mention of Muhammed. Much to my dismay, instead of a demonstration supporting free speech Comedy Central served up a big bowl of censorship.

Image hosting by Photobucket

Bastards. They yank the Scientology episode, the Bloody Mary episode, now they won't show Muhammed. Well, I should say NOW they won't show Muhammed. Here's the clip that aired (including Kyle's speech):

Notice that Kyle said, "Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here."

Doug Herzog is the president of Comedy Central, and it wasn't established that the fictional president of Fox was named Doug. Doug didn't listen. Damn you Doug.

In case you didn't watch the terrorist retaliation, here's just that clip:

In America, you can show Jesus Christ taking a shit on President Bush and the American flag, but you can't show one picture of Muhammed. That's the same as shitting on the Constitution. Speaking of one picture of Muhammed:

That's all it would have been. It's not guaranteed that this is a genuine shot of the censored footage, but the South Park Scriptorium has a downloadable clip of what they're saying is the uncensored version. I can't imagine it would have been all that different from the the SP Scriptorium clip, because the Muhammed shown there is exactly the same as the FIRST time South Park showed Muhammed (season five):

No public outcry then. And then there's this season's intro sequence that's been used since March (which is impossible to spot without looking at it, but it's still funny that South Park has been showing Muhammed this entire time):

You can also see Buddha on the far left, and Jesus on the right.

Comedy Central could be called a lot of things for this. Gutless cowards, for instance. Weak-kneed disgraceful defectors. Spineless un-American back-stabbing traitors. Pick any of the antonyms to patriotic, honorable, brave or honest. They all apply.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

FAUX NEWS: Time-travelling cyborg infiltrates Congress, claims racism

Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney has denied accusations that she shot and killed 17 Capitol Hill police officers after being stopped at a security checkpoint. Police officers are alleging that the congresswoman, infuriated for being stopped, glared at the officer on guard, and said only "I'll be back."

McKinney then left the checkpoint. It is at this point that police claim McKinney crashed her car into the Capitol building and through the checkpoint. She then stepped out her car, shotgun in tow, and began shooting police officers one by one, said DC Police Chief Erwin Smits.

"We couldn't stop her. Officers opened fire on her and she didn't flinch. It's like she was some sort of furious, indignant machine," said Smits.

During the attack 17 officers were killed and more than 30 were wounded. At a press conference later that day McKinney repeated her claim of innocence. "This is nothing but a case of racial profiling against a black female."

This statement brought awkward stares from the audience, who noticed that McKinney was still holding the shotgun. She put the shotgun down on the podium and continued, "I'm innocent. Anyone got a problem with that?" THE REST

The above pic was photoshopped by my friend Adam, admin of www.Kaihen.com. Damn shame we couldn't have put it in the paper, but the red eyes wouldn't have translated on the black and white page anyway.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Starting the countdown

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm sticking to water

If you think that looks less like a Gatorade bottle and more like a penis, you're not alone.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Study: Bush tax cuts making rich richer

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) - President Bush's tax cuts for investment income have significantly lowered the tax burden on the richest Americans, reducing taxes on incomes of more than $10 million by an average of about $500,000, according to a report Wednesday.

An analysis of Internal Revenue Service data by The New York Times found that the benefit of the lower taxes on investments was more concentrated on the very wealthiest Americans than the benefits of President Bush's two previous tax cuts.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Jesus Ice Capades

MSN - Rare conditions could have conspired to create hard-to-see ice on the Sea of Galilee that a person could have walked on back when Jesus is said to have walked on water, a scientist reported Tuesday.

The study, which examines a combination of favorable water and environmental conditions, proposes that Jesus could have walked on an isolated patch of floating ice on what is now known as Lake Kinneret in northern Israel. Link

I bet Jesus could hit a triple-axle like it was nothing.

Or maybe he just had a pair of these sweet ass shoes. Made in China.

FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE: Revised Facility Use Policy still unacceptable

UNCG students should take a good look around campus. As of last Monday, you won't see a free speech zone anywhere on campus. We, as American citizens, are now free to gather anywhere on campus to spread our youthful propaganda. Sort of.

The free speech zones no longer exist. Demonstrators may gather anywhere on campus as long as they aren't blocking a sidewalk or street, and no gathering within 30 feet of a building. No demonstrations can occur next to dorms at night either. Midnight streaking is definitely out.

The previous requirement of giving 48 hours of notice to UNCG Police has been trimmed to 12 hours for those affiliated with UNCG, but 48 hours is still the rule for those without affiliation.

I think we can agree that notifying UNCG Police of demonstrations is a good thing. In 2004 when the College Republicans held an "affirmative action bake sale," arguments between Republicans and the people protesting their event teetered on the line of physical violence. Were police officers not present, the scene would have exploded into a riot - something that has happened with affirmative action bake sales at other schools.

But the rule is flawed. It doesn't provide an option for protests that happen without 12 hours notice. In 2003 there were protest groups all over America ready to gather as soon as we attacked Iraq. There should be an alternative for protests that, by their nature, can't conform to the 12 hour rule. Members of the committee that revised the policy have said that this topic was discussed, why is there not some sort of allowance?

Another problem is that police supervision is not necessary for someone simply gathering signatures on a petition, yet the policy requires it. One or two people with clipboards does not constitute an assembly. More

This was intended for last week's edition, but I cut it so I could fit in that guest column responding to my Muslim questions piece.

FAUX NEWS: College Republicans kick off 'Morals Week,' state strongly: "We're not homophobic. Faggots."

Last week the College Republicans held their annual "Morals Week," described by some as "the only week out of the year when they admit to legislating morality." This year the College Democrats also held a Morals Week, which they used to challenge the idea that the Democratic Party has no original ideas of their own.

On Monday the College Republicans kicked off their week with "Red State Day," celebrating the fact that 31 states were "red" in the 2004 election, meaning they voted for President Bush.

"In 2004 Bush won by three percent of the popular vote," said Patrick Tutwiler, President of the College Democrats. "All 'Red State Day' is celebrating is the fact that Republicans are rednecks that live in the middle of nowhere, whereas Democrats tend to live in larger cities where they're exposed to people of other races and last names."

"Red State Day" showcased speeches from seven local and state government leaders and climaxed with Vernon Robinson, a candidate for the US House of Representatives. Robinson, like many major speakers invited by the College Republicans, is against gay rights, something he used much of his speech to illustrate.

The UNCG College Republicans have in the past declined to adopt a stance opposing gay rights, even holding a joint event with PRIDE last semester, but their choice of speakers led some to question the ambiguous message.

College Republican Philip Blattenberger explained, "We're not against gay rights, it's just that most prominent Republican speakers are, and we support their message. I mean, we don't support THE MESSAGE, but we invite them to say it. That is, not to say that specifically, but to say the other things that they say. I'm not homophobic." More

Monday, April 03, 2006

What am I doing up at 2:30?

People often ask me, "Luke, what is cool?" There's no easy way to answer this, or, I should say, there's no real way to make you understand how to be as cool as me. But, perhaps we can compare and contrast to give you a slight feel for it.

For instance, reenacting the "You've lost that loving feeling" scene from Top Gun in a crowded lunchroom and getting a date to the prom, cool.

Doing the same thing on stage without making sure that the girl is actually in the audience, not so much.

And don't ever do this.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

In the early 1900s, it was legal....

Dear everyone at UNCG:

The phrase "rule of thumb" can be accurately dated back to 1692, and its usage then was not in reference to beating a woman with a stick no wider than her husband's thumb. That reference is most often attributed to Sir Francis Buller ("Judge Thumb"), who was born in 1746 (his thumb statements were made in 1782, and the evidence that he even said it is pretty thin).

"Rule of thumb" is actually a reference to using your thumb as a reference of measurement, much the same as other human body based measurements like league (the distance a person can walk in one hour) or hand (self-explanatory).

Also, the word "picnic" is not a contraction of "pick a nigger." It stems from the French word "pique-nique," with probable influence from the German "Picknick" and the Swedish "picknick."

Please stop misusing these phrases to support your agenda.

People who speak English

P.S. There will be more letters soon.

Thank you.

Is that? No, it can't be.

Yes, that is Don Cheadle on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I couldn't believe it either. Season 1, Episode 5, "Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy." Cheadle played Will's friend "Ice Tray" from Philly.

Ice Tray. I think it's safe to say this was when his career really picked up.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Donald Trump: Billionaire, Author, Prick

Amazon.com has a feature where they ask an expert to pick the 10 best books on a topic. Here's Donald J. Trump's Top 10 Books on Entrepreneurship

1. Think Like a Billionaire : Everything You Need to Know About Success, Real Estate, and Life by Donald Trump, Meredith Mciver
2. The Entrepreneur's Success Code by Donald Trump, Jeff Burrows
3. Play to Win in Business and Life by Donald Trump, Les Hewitt
4. The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump, Tony Schwartz
5. How to Get Rich by Donald Trump, Meredith McIver
6. The Wealth Builder's Blueprint by Donald Trump
7. The Art of War by Sun Tzu
8. The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
9. What It Takes to Be #1: Lombardi on Leadership by Vince Lombardi Jr.
10. The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale

I'm willing to bet that if Trump had written four more books, he would be the only person on this list. I'm also willing to bet that he didn't actually write a single one of them.