A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

FAUX NEWS: Abusive husband acquitted; judge rules wife deserved it

A South Dakota judge ruled Friday that a man accused of beating his pregnant wife is to be acquitted of all charges, even in light of strong evidence of his guilt and written confession. District Court Judge Hawthorne said he based the decision on the new South Dakota law banning all forms of abortion, a law he claimed changes the way South Dakota looks at women.

"The law basically says that if you're pregnant, that womb is government property. You don't have the right to touch it. The defendant provided a strong argument that if the woman is married she shouldn't be government property, she should be her husband's property. I agree, just as long as the woman isn't given any control over her body. That would be ridiculous and immoral. So sayeth the Lord."

Hawthorne added, "When we get the Ten Commandments back up in the courtroom that should scare off any appeals."

Rob Jenkins, the defendant, was arrested for spousal abuse in early March. When police arrived on the scene Jenkins confessed while trying to explain "his side of the story."

"Look man, I told her I would fix the oven after the game. Not before the game, not during the game, after the game. After the game. She just doesn't listen."

Many opponents of this decision say it sets a precedent of accepting domestic violence, while pro-choice and women's rights groups in the state are already holding demonstrations against South Dakota's anti-abortion law.

During an appearance on Fox News South Dakota Governor Mike Rounds defended his decision to sign the law. "If you don't want to have a child then don't have sex. And by 'don't have sex' I mean 'don't get raped.'" Full story

An error with our new layout program labeled this column as "Words and Pictures" in the print edition. Apparently people are thinking this might be real news, or are at least somewhat confused by it, so I will clarify. In South Dakota it is not legal to beat your wife. Yet.

And I stand by my fake reporting.


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