FAUX NEWS: Killian departs, Carolinian office implodes

Last Friday, an unexplained freak accident left the Carolinian office, located in the EUC building, in shambles. The event occurred on the same day as the UNCG Commencement ceremony, coincidentally at the exact same time that Joe Killian, long-time reporter and editor for the Carolinian, received his diploma.

Campus Police Chief Rollin Donelson commented after visiting the scene, "It looks like it imploded, exploded, and then everything that exploded fell down again. There's basically nothing left."

Donelson confirmed that police are investigating the idea that the accident had something to do with the reporter's graduation.

"It's just speculation at this point, but we're looking into it," said Donelson. "Actually, I asked Joe to look into it, and he should have an answer back to me by the end of the day."

Carolinian Executive Editor Chris Lowrance explained that through the years Killian became a part of the Carolinian, but not in the sentimental sense.

"It appears that, somehow, Joe Killian became a physical part of our operating procedure," explained Lowrance. "For example, Article 2 Section 4 says, 'If Joe Killian, or an appointed Joe Killian look-alike, is not present for a meeting, there is no meeting.' Article 7 is just the name 'Joe Killian' over and over."

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My real worry for next year is that, with Joe and Melissa gone, who is going to piss everyone off? I mean, what's the point of having a newspaper if it isn't to annoy, incite, and anger?

Wait, we still have Brook. Whew.