A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

This is why mail is going out of use

The US Post Office is launching an assortment of comic book stamps, which will feature the following characters.

_Batman: Young Bruce Wayne mastered all forms of combat after his parents were killed. He uses his wealth to equip himself with the tools to become the great crime fighter. He made his debut in 1939 and was joined by Robin a year later.

_Wonder Woman: A figure of strength, beauty and courage, she has been inspiring women since her first appearance in 1941.

_Plastic Man: After an accident at a chemical plant gives Eel O'Brian the ability to stretch and alter his shape, he renounces his criminal past and becomes the longest arm of the law. He debuted in 1941.

_Superman: The Man of Steel first appeared in 1938 and has been an icon ever since. Raised in Smallville, the baby from Planet Krypton uses superpowers to battle evil.

_Green Lantern: Launched with the space age, test pilot Hal Jordan became Green Lantern, a galactic peace officer with an emerald power ring.

_The Flash: Police scientist Barry Allen is transformed into the fastest man alive in 1956 by an explosive mixture of lightning and laboratory chemicals.

_Aquaman: The former King of the Seven Seas remains is determined to protect both the Atlanteans and surface dwellers from those who endanger them, using his strength, speed and ability to communicate with marine life.

_Hawkman: He has artificial wings powered by the mysterious "Nth metal" which allow him to soar through the sky in pursuit of evildoers. He is a master of ancient weapons.

_Supergirl: Superman's cousin arrives on Earth as an impressionable teenager and eventually becomes his secret weapon.

_Green Arrow: First appearing in 1941, the Emerald Archer learns his skills while trapped on a desert island. He later escapes to become a modern Robin Hood.

First of all, these stamps are being sold under the title "Superheroes." Batman, Green Arrow, Green Lantern, and Hawkman have no super powers. Without his alien metal, Hawkman is noting (oh he can see far and talk to birds, give me a break). Without his money and toys, Batman is nothing. Without his bow, Green Arrow is nothing. And without his ring, Green Lantern is nothing. (As a side note, why is it that people complain about Superman being too powerful when Green Lantern's ring can do anything he can imagine?)

Plastic Man is one of the most ripped off superhero concepts of all time (though, to his credit, Plastic Man is the earliest I've heard of). I want to see Plastic Man, Mr. Fantastic, Elongated Man, Elastigirl and Slapstick fight to the death. It'd look like an orgy at Gumby's house.

Supergirl is so stupid that I don't even want to talk about it. Why don't we throw in Batgirl, Spiderwoman and She-Hulk while we're at it. Just because a superheo is popular does not mean that a spinoff with boobs will also be popular.

DC can do better. I mean, it's DC, granted. But they can do better.


Blogger Joe Killian said...

There are people who argue that a superhero is greater if he doesn't have any powers.

I'd argue you do, for all practical purposes, have superpowers if you are one of the world's wealthies people with the most sophisticated technology in the world at your disposal, have access to magic/alien metals and talismans or can nail bulls-eyes from farther away than the human eye can percieve while constructing your own exploding arrows, sleeping gas arrows and flash-bang arrows.

All the same, I'm not sure power or no power is a good measure of greatness.

Incindentally - I don't really think Green Lantern and Superman are in the same league. Superman is vulnerable to Krytonite and magic. That's it.

The Green Lantern's ring (until recently) was vulnerable to anything yellow. You could kill him with a jar of mustard.

Also, it's a function of his will power. If he loses the will, he can't do anything with it. If he loses concentration, it fails him. If he ever doubts his power, it won't work. If he doesn't recharge it, it's useles. If he comes up against someone whose will power is greater than his (like Deathstroke in the Identity Crisis storyline) it can fail him.

If he's not wearing it...he's just a dude.

On the other hand, Green Lanterns have to have the moral attributes of a hero even to be chosen to wear the ring. They haven't been accidentally struck by lightning or had their parents killed, throwing them into a lifetime of blistering neurosis and overcompensation.

But there's no excuse for plastic man.

7/23/2006 11:29:00 PM  

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