A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "No Soap Radio!" They both jump in the water.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

An actual self-interest quiz

I've always hated those little self-interest quizzes that people often post on their blogs. They're full of meaningless questions like "If I could be anywhere now, you would be:________" or "If my daddy had hugged me as a kid, I wouldn't have:_______". (Most common answers to those are, respectively, "hanging from the ceiling" and "become a stripper.") But, since this particular issue seems to be in debate between some of my friends, I will take this quiz.


1. In the last month, have you taken a drink first thing in the morning to help recover from a hangover (hair of the dog that bit you)?
No. That's disgusting.

2. In the last year, have you had a drink while driving or have you driven while under the influence of alcohol, even just a couple drinks?
I fail to see how restricting yourself to two beers if driving is a sign of alcoholism and not of responsible drinking, but I'll play along: Yes.

3. In the last 3 months, have you continued drinking until you passed out?
How else would you know how to stop?

4. Are more than 50% of your friends drinkers?
All friends, no. Close friends, yes.

5. Do you consume more than 7 alcoholic beverages a week?
Week? Day? The answer is yes.

6. In the last 3 months, have you taken alcohol to work to drink during your workday or chosen a lunch restaurant because it serves alcohol?
I have to blame this one on a flexible sleep schedule, so quite often my "lunch" is at other people's supper time. But the answer is yes, I've said the words "Let's go somewhere else, they don't serve beer there."

7. Do you hide your drinking from any friends or family?
My parents are well aware of my drinking now, so no.

8. Have you failed to keep a promise to yourself or a loved one that you would quit drinking?
I would never do something stupid like breaking a promise, or promise not to drink.

9. Have you ever had trouble remembering what happened while you were drinking?

10. In the last year, have you done anything while drinking that you regret doing?
I've done very stupid things I should not have, but I also never regret anything, ever. Answer is no.

11. Do you find it difficult to stop after one or two drinks?

12. In the last year, have you wet the bed or wet your pants during or after drinking?
I've never understood how a person could get that drunk. No.

13. Have you ever woken up after drinking in a strange place, or at home, but you don't remember how you got there?
Yeah, but it's usually a simple matter of finding out who drove my drunken ass home.

So my total number of yes's is seven. According to the test, a single "yes" means you should investigate further and monitor yourself for three months. I'm not joking.

Three yes's means you "may be" an alcoholic. You should have a non drinking friend take you to an AA meeting, and then talk to your family about your drinking. Of course, "if you're unwilling or unable to do these things, you are an alcoholic." It's not that this test is stupid, or its recommendations are silly. You're an addict.

I answered "yes" to five or more, so I'm "probably" an alcoholic. I'll admit that my answers are probably skewed because I'm in college, have always been a heavy drinker, and have very few responsibilities that drinking would affect (e.g. an actual job, children, etc.).

The actual test for alcoholism, or any addiction, is whether it negatively affects your life and you keep doing it. Drinking isn't hurting anything so far, aside from the occasional hangover and taking up a portion of my paycheck. And then there's the inevitable cirrhosis of the liver. Either way, listening to stupid tests like this would most certainly affect my life in a more negative way.


Blogger Bill said...

Respondent doth protest too much, methinks. Have you ever stopped to consider why you are so incensed about this?

Also, you need to go back and rethink a couple of those answers. They aren't consistent with the question.

11/30/2006 12:19:00 PM  

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